Can I Hold???

For the last six weeks I have put considerable effort into changing my overall lifestyle: eating, sleeping, activity-level, and more. I want to do everything in my power to keep cancer away from me for the rest of my life. I've been reading book after book on health, exercise, and cancer-fighting foods. Whew, there is a lot to learn. That said, I know I have to be realistic. I know if I did everything I've read, all put together, I'd hardly be able to eat a thing. Assuredly I'd be a vegan, with no dairy, no meats, zero sugar, and mostly just whole fruits and vegetables.

That is not realistic for me. I'd never be able to follow something that strict. I'd be off the wagon in mere days. However, I think I'm getting closer to a general understanding of how I can live a much healthier life. Oh, I didn't do too badly before, but in retrospect, it wasn't too good either. Sure, I tried to stay active, didn't do much red meat, and ate lots of salads, but it wasn't enough. I've had a diet high in processed foods (they're so convenient), and had a secret love of fast food for years. I also love eating out in general.

I've put into practice several key things that I hope I can stick to. I'll admit I'm nervous about being able to stay the course.

1. Regular walking - I've been walking my neighborhood, the river paths, and friends neighborhoods of late. I'll begin walking the SuperMall here as the weather turns. That's one thing friends can do for me: walk me.

2. Juicing - I've been juicing fresh vegetables that are high in antioxidants,

3. Natural herbs and supplements - I've been working with a naturopathic oncologist and have several supplements that are fairly inexpensive that I've added to my daily routing: high dosages of Vitamin D3, green tea powder (add to my juice), Turmeric, among others.

4. General eating - I'm going to turn to whole grains, nuts, and legumes and hormone free chicken and fish. I want to learn to cook fabulous foods, full of flavor, that help me love this new plan.

5. Reduce Sugars - I allow myself a treat every couple of days, not every day. I will also regulate my portion size so I don't over indulge.

6. Fast Food - I made a pact with James that I would only do fast food once a month. Two months down. So far, so good!

7. Push Away - When I do eat out, I'm going to save part of every meal for later as portion sizes are usually way more than I need.

So can I hold to this life-long plan? Can I stay the course. I sure hope so.

I Thought I Died

After great soul searching this last summer, I decided that it was time to do something to really kick myself into a healthier gear. Up until about two years ago, I ate better, exercised more, and generally had my weight under control (except for the ubiquitous last 10 pounds that seems to hang around on most of us). I could point to a number of things that contributed to my spiral into this out-of-control-eat-whatever lifestyle: a couple of bouts of depression, schedule changes with my home-life that meant dinner times weren't consistent, health issues, and so on. However, those are really only excuses. I had become deeply discouraged, embarked on flagellating self-talk, and even considered plastic surgery to remove my butt.

After a few months of watching other parts of my body grow into pudgy marshmellowy lumps, I decided that I'd either better get it together or determine that I could be content being a soft and lovable pillow of mom, and someday grandmother. NOT! So I decided I needed to make some serious changes. I dug around in my closet and found my electrically charged cattle prod and started brainstorming the best ways to use it on myself. (Notice I'm still into the punishing mode).

I did a 3 week detox in Aug/Sept. What do you know! I made it through it, restrictive diet and all; I lived. While I didn't lose any weight, the nearly vegetarian diet that went with it encouraged me to take another step in the right direction. I began looking for fitness camps/spas. I started researching them on the Internet and making a list of what they offered and their program features and costs. My sister, Linda, really wanted to go with me too. Well I decided to do a quick one this fall during the one week my job could spare me. I hope to do another one this spring with her and maybe a few others I could rustle up to make it fun. I chose Fitness Ridge in St. George Utah.

I'll write in my journal entries from that week stay so you can all stay abreast of what it was like, but suffice it to say, I am still here on this planet. I truly thought I had died on day 2. On day 3, I realized I was mistaken. Day 2 was only a little taste of the pain that greeted me early in the a.m. on day 3. By day 4 though my body began to even out and I felt like I could really make it through the week just fine. Friday and Saturday were easier yet.

Now the huge monster in the corner of my mind is this: CAN I KEEP UP THE HEALTHY EATING AND EXERCISING? Of course I can't exercise 5 to 6 hours a day, but it is imperative to keep myself active and moving, particularly since my job is so sedentary. Also, winter is coming and the endless days of gray drizzle that keeps most of us indoors.

I'm going to do this. I can be healthy. I can eat right and be full. I will survive.

Where Did I Put My Big Stick?

I constantly beat myself up; and I carry a really, really big stick. I've been plagued with some stupid low self esteem thing, which I've been told is really a version of pride, forever. How it translates to pride, I'm not sure (I think I used to understand), but I know I certainly don't feel proud about myself.

My most vigorous beatings are related to my weight. Those who know me best know this is the case. I've been on a diet for about 10 years now. I figure I've lost hundreds of pounds over those ten years. I lose a few pounds, then gain them back, then lose them again, then gain them back. I keep extra ones in the closet just for the joy of losing them every month or so; just for kicks.

No, I'm not terribly overweight. It's not a huge amount of weight we're talking about here; probably less than 20 pounds. My family tells me I look fine. Right. They're being nice. But the problem is, is that I don't feel fine about myself. I spent all but the last 10 years of my life being underweight, even anorexic through many of those years. Now, since a hysterectomy, my weight has slowly crept up year after year. The last six months have been notably horrendous and most of my clothes don't even fit right now.

What is my problem? Why do I care? Should I give up and just throw out anything that doesn't fit and realize that I'm not young anymore and this is just what happens? Or should I continue to fight this and stretch my decade long diet into infinity and beyond?

I know I could fight this better than I am. Firstly, I used to work out regularly and I stopped that last summer. I had a terribly depressing family issue that kinda got me started into this downhill slide, plus I had my schedule loaded which made making the time difficult. However, now I do have the time and I don't workout like I used to. I do some, but not like I should. I'm way to sedimentary.

My second issue is that I do eat too much. Hubby eats out a lot, we go places, we see people, we do things; many of which mean I'm not at home where I can keep the calories in check. I know, we're supposed to learn to eat smart at restaurants. But, be honest. When you're faced with a great pasta dish with chicken and cream with a side Caesar, are you going to do that, or eat a vegetable plate? Hmmm??? Oh yes, give me the veggie plate! NOT!!!

I have to figure out how to come to terms with my lack of will power. Obviously I don't want to be thin enough to make the appropriate effort to make the pounds drop off and stay off. I should be able to make it happen. I must not want it bad enough. I must want to flog myself daily about my food failings.

Enough for now, I have to go find my stick.