Quirks & Phobias

I do not have an obsessive compulsive disorder, at least that I know of. However, I have noticed that I have two strange habits that, should I submit myself to a therapist, might likely put me in a borderline category. What are yours?

1. Public Restrooms - Even in very familiar surroundings, I find I check, check, and re-check the WOMEN/MEN restroom signs. I think I have a deep rooted fear of going into the wrong bathroom. I got thinking about this yesterday and decided it was due to being dragged into the boys bathroom in 6th grade. Several "girlfriends" couldn't figure out why I never got mad at anyone and decided to step up their efforts by dragging me into the boys bathroom. Needless to say it didn't work. I didn't get mad. I was very exasperated at them and didn't call them friends anymore; that's for sure. It was a stupid prank that I think has me obsessed about checking, double-checking, and triple-checking each and every time I need to use the girls room.

2.  Typing - a job I had in college was for Sears.  I worked 3:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. or so typing mail orders into the computer system: data entry.  We were "encouraged" to keep our keystrokes above 10,000 per hour (I think).  I remember each week we would crowd around the printout that showed our speed, errors, etc.  I remember feeling proud one week when I had really progressed and finally hit a 14K mark.  I literally typed in my sleep.  After that job, typing became second nature.  To this day I find myself mentally typing out things all day long: signs, things people speak to me, billboards, scriptures quoted in a sermon, you name it - I type it.  Thankfully I "type" pretty fast.  Things have gotten better over the years, but even now, almost 30 years later, I still "type".  It seems pretty stupid to be 50 years old and still typing out lots of the things I see and hear throughout a day. 

3.  Fear of heights - I cannot explain it.  But I literally have a panic attack when faced with things high up.  I'm OK if I drive over a bridge, but if I have to walk - ugh.  I panic.  I remember when James and I were in Germany by the Neuschwanstein castle, there was a hike and a bridge where one could get fabulous views of the valley and the famous castle.  The bridge was wide and very sturdy.  It could easily have held a car or three.  The problem was that it was steel girders with wooden boards.  The drop was easily several hundred feet down.  I could see between the tiny slats on the wooden boards.  No good.  I literally froze.  Knowing I'd kick myself for not traversing this famous bridge and likely miss the spectacular view, I walked.  I barely made it though.  I clung to James for dear life and couldn't even enjoy the view. Thankfully I did manage to get one or two camera shots when I made it to the other side. I remember that someone jostled me and I nearly climbed onto James in abject fear.  My heart was racing so fast I thought I'd have a heart attack.  Needless to say, I made it.  I survived.  Oh, and the picture turned out great.

What are your quirks?

Radiation Therapy

I've made it through 5 days of weekday radiation treatments so far.  Only 4 of them have actually been radiation treatments; the first being additional x-rays and positioning efforts.  I am going to be doing this every weekday for a minimum of six weeks.  My daily appointment is at 8:00 a.m. 

I see some of the same people here each day. I am feeling pretty lucky. The two ladies I see look like they have it much worse than I. One is probably doing chemotherapy in conjunction with the radiation therapy as she has very little hair. The other must be suffering from lung cancer as she is on heavy oxygen. Lung cancer is the #1 cancer killer for women. They are both quite a bit older than I. While this has been scary, seeing them has made me actually thankful for the situation I am in. It could have been so very much worse. But for the grace of God, go I.

The women's waiting room has lockers, three changing rooms and probably 3 dozen wall cubes for our gowns. I was assigned a cube and given a gown that will be mine for the next 6 weeks. Each day I come in and change into my gown and lock my belongings into a locker. The keys are on elasticized bracelets we wear around. I then wait until they call for me. There are magazines and a table with a puzzle. I suspect a new one will be there by Monday. There were only a few pieces remaining as of 8:00 a.m. Friday. Becuase I have the early morning appointment, I don't have a long enough wait to start working the puzzle. I would imagine that those who have late afternoon appointments get the accumulated schedule issues and have time to tinker with the puzzle.

Once I'm called into my radation room (there are several) they have me lay down and then position me on the table. Both arms go high above my head, where I grasp handles. They take 2 x-rays each day and then proceed with about 15 minutes of other positioning of the machine and actually zap me with the radiation. I swear I can feel it tingle and heat up a little. I don't know if that is just in my head or real. Hard to tell. I've already developed a pinched nerve in my left arm and it hurts like heck to put my arm up there for 20 minutes straight. It's a killer. Hopefully a chiropractic appointment or two can help set that straight.

The doctors and technicians have warned me about the burn my skin is likely to get, so I have armed myself with aloe vera and apply it regularly to help keep my skin intact as best I can. I've also been warned to expect fatigue within another week or two. They don't know what causes the fatigue, but nearly everyone who goes through radiation experiences it. That side affect does bother me. I am concerned about my job. How will I be able to keep working at the break neck speed my job requires? Thankfully my bosses are aware and say they will work with me, but it doesn't assuage my own expectations of myself. I'm prayerfully hoping I can give my own self a break. I need to just take each day at a time.

Each day I try to do something to stay active and not just sit on my butt. So far I've been walking the mall every week day. I manage about 2 miles or so each time. I'm hopeful I can keep that up forever. Once weather gets good again, I can go back to walking my neighborhood or trails here in Sumner. Doctors say that being active means I'll have a 60% better chance of NOT having a recurrance of cancer. That's better than any pill I could take. It makes it VERY worthwhile. I have to do this.

I need to be cancer free. I will survive.

Not Sure I'm Ready

I had my first visit with Dr. Sanders, a Radiation Oncologist, on Thursday. James and I spent over an hour with him peppering him with questions about the risks of radiation, the methods, and whether or not I would see enough benefit to even undertake the schedule-defying therapy. I had read pros and cons of radiation therapy and had concerns. I really was interested in this new method where they implant a device and set one up with doses over about a week, and then you're done. That sounded like a better option to me compared with daily trips over 6 to 7 weeks. Dr. Sanders was patient and answered every question we had. Unfortunately, the implant device was not suitable for me since the placement of the device would be too close to the surface of my skin and could risk seriously damaging it. If he lowered the dose so keep the skin safe, then the benefits of radiation would be almost nil - not even worth doing.

Radiation therapy reduces my risk of cancer recurrence from residual cells that may be lurking - down to about 5%. Without radiation therapy my risk of some rogue cells that may be lingering, goes up to around 20%. We weren't willing to take a 20% chance of recurrence, so we are opting to go ahead with radiation. My next step was a CT scan of the site so they can properly map out the location. I got marked with ink and taped with little bee-bee's, dotted with two tiny tattoo's, and then scanned. The doctor then prepares a radiation dosage plan which I will start on Monday October 26Th. I go every single day with the exception of weekends and holidays, for 33 sessions. I should finish around mid-December.

This is going to be troublesome with my work schedule. Thankfully my manager will work with me. On the days I work from home, I am freer in when I can go. The days I work in Renton (Tues & Thurs) are much trickier. Turns out they offer radiation only from 7:45 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.) I did launch my complaint that they should be open longer hours to help accommodate those of us who need to continue to work through the therapy. Ah well. I'll just have to do the best I can.

I have been fully warned of what to expect: sunburn-like symptoms on the site, and fatigue. I would imagine I'll also become exasperated with the schedule as well.

Since just a few days after my last surgery, September 30Th, I've managed to let this cancer thing be waaaay in the background. I have felt great, my energy level has been good, and my job is keeping me very, very busy, and occupied. I've almost forgotten about the cancer. However, these daily trips will likely be an ugly reminder of this ugly disease.

One other really good report here though; my genetic test did come back negative for the two DNA markers that have been found. Yeah! Now my sisters and daughter don't have to worry so much. However, the doctors were quick to point out that those are only two of potentially many markers that are still left to be discovered. I am going to remain an evangelist to the women in my family to check themselves and to have regular mammograms. There is a lot of cancer in our family and I want to make sure we are ALL survivors!

Can I Hold???

For the last six weeks I have put considerable effort into changing my overall lifestyle: eating, sleeping, activity-level, and more. I want to do everything in my power to keep cancer away from me for the rest of my life. I've been reading book after book on health, exercise, and cancer-fighting foods. Whew, there is a lot to learn. That said, I know I have to be realistic. I know if I did everything I've read, all put together, I'd hardly be able to eat a thing. Assuredly I'd be a vegan, with no dairy, no meats, zero sugar, and mostly just whole fruits and vegetables.

That is not realistic for me. I'd never be able to follow something that strict. I'd be off the wagon in mere days. However, I think I'm getting closer to a general understanding of how I can live a much healthier life. Oh, I didn't do too badly before, but in retrospect, it wasn't too good either. Sure, I tried to stay active, didn't do much red meat, and ate lots of salads, but it wasn't enough. I've had a diet high in processed foods (they're so convenient), and had a secret love of fast food for years. I also love eating out in general.

I've put into practice several key things that I hope I can stick to. I'll admit I'm nervous about being able to stay the course.

1. Regular walking - I've been walking my neighborhood, the river paths, and friends neighborhoods of late. I'll begin walking the SuperMall here as the weather turns. That's one thing friends can do for me: walk me.

2. Juicing - I've been juicing fresh vegetables that are high in antioxidants,

3. Natural herbs and supplements - I've been working with a naturopathic oncologist and have several supplements that are fairly inexpensive that I've added to my daily routing: high dosages of Vitamin D3, green tea powder (add to my juice), Turmeric, among others.

4. General eating - I'm going to turn to whole grains, nuts, and legumes and hormone free chicken and fish. I want to learn to cook fabulous foods, full of flavor, that help me love this new plan.

5. Reduce Sugars - I allow myself a treat every couple of days, not every day. I will also regulate my portion size so I don't over indulge.

6. Fast Food - I made a pact with James that I would only do fast food once a month. Two months down. So far, so good!

7. Push Away - When I do eat out, I'm going to save part of every meal for later as portion sizes are usually way more than I need.

So can I hold to this life-long plan? Can I stay the course. I sure hope so.

Fall is Here

I love fall; the cooler temperatures, the colors, the early morning fog and the crisp nights. Oh, I love summer, but there's something refreshing about fall too. This fall is no different. I'm through my end-of-summer anxiety of my breast cancer discovery and multiple surgeries and am soon to embark on my final leg of this journey: radiation.

I'm counting my blessings.

1. My emotions have settled down considerably and I'm taking each day as it comes. I find myself looking forward to the holiday season as I should be done with radiation by then too.

2. I'm coming up to being in my lovely home for nearly a year too. I love this neighborhood, my house, being just doors away from my family has been a real blessing as well.

3. My new job is going well. I've been given almost a carte blanche to get the team together and running smoothly. It currently is a non-cohesive team with little to no standard processes regarding their projects as a whole. I am good at setting up standard processes and getting teams working together. This should be good.

4. My grandchildren are so adorable. I love seeing them often. I have toys, a bed for them, and lots of hugs. I am excited to be a part of their lives and not having my kids spread out elsewhere country like so many of my friends. I can't imagine not being an integral part of their lives.

5. My Husband. I can't even comprehend these last few months with out the encouragement and support of James. I am beyond grateful for his love, compassion, and care. He is the best. Thank you Lord for hooking me up with James!

6. My Friends. Friends I haven't talked to in years have rallied around me in support, prayer, and comfort like I never would have expected. I am truly blessed to have so many fabulous friends.

7. My Family. My parents, my siblings, my aunts, cousins, and more have been unbelievably wonderful. I love the cards, the flowers, the calls and emails. Thank you so much.

I'm saving the best for last: Jesus. I can't even articulate what He is in my life: my rock, my salvation, my peace, my joy, my everything. I can't imagine going through this with out Him by my side. People can be great, but having someone way bigger than I in charge and watching over me during my journey is an unspeakable blessing.

There are so many other blessings I haven't written of here. There are only a few (and not in order). But I couldn't let this day pass without listing out a few.

God is good.