I constantly beat myself up; and I carry a really, really big stick. I've been plagued with some stupid low self esteem thing, which I've been told is really a version of pride, forever. How it translates to pride, I'm not sure (I think I used to understand), but I know I certainly don't feel proud about myself.
My most vigorous beatings are related to my weight. Those who know me best know this is the case. I've been on a diet for about 10 years now. I figure I've lost hundreds of pounds over those ten years. I lose a few pounds, then gain them back, then lose them again, then gain them back. I keep extra ones in the closet just for the joy of losing them every month or so; just for kicks.
No, I'm not terribly overweight. It's not a huge amount of weight we're talking about here; probably less than 20 pounds. My family tells me I look fine. Right. They're being nice. But the problem is, is that I don't feel fine about myself. I spent all but the last 10 years of my life being underweight, even anorexic through many of those years. Now, since a hysterectomy, my weight has slowly crept up year after year. The last six months have been notably horrendous and most of my clothes don't even fit right now.
What is my problem? Why do I care? Should I give up and just throw out anything that doesn't fit and realize that I'm not young anymore and this is just what happens? Or should I continue to fight this and stretch my decade long diet into infinity and beyond?
I know I could fight this better than I am. Firstly, I used to work out regularly and I stopped that last summer. I had a terribly depressing family issue that kinda got me started into this downhill slide, plus I had my schedule loaded which made making the time difficult. However, now I do have the time and I don't workout like I used to. I do some, but not like I should. I'm way to sedimentary.
My second issue is that I do eat too much. Hubby eats out a lot, we go places, we see people, we do things; many of which mean I'm not at home where I can keep the calories in check. I know, we're supposed to learn to eat smart at restaurants. But, be honest. When you're faced with a great pasta dish with chicken and cream with a side Caesar, are you going to do that, or eat a vegetable plate? Hmmm??? Oh yes, give me the veggie plate! NOT!!!
I have to figure out how to come to terms with my lack of will power. Obviously I don't want to be thin enough to make the appropriate effort to make the pounds drop off and stay off. I should be able to make it happen. I must not want it bad enough. I must want to flog myself daily about my food failings.
Enough for now, I have to go find my stick.
My son got married two weeks ago. He's my youngest child. I was not prepared for the emotional upheaval it created in my heart. My heart stirs with various different emotions and it is hard to flow with each one. I'm prouder than proud of him and what he's accomplished; his success in life in general, but more importantly, his stance and passion for the Lord. Yet, there's also a subtle emotion of vacancy, for lack of a better word. I'm not the most important woman in his life anymore. I've always felt a strong bond with my son. While I don't think the bond is less, it is just different. I'm not sure how to articulate it, but it doesn't hurt really; just different than anything I've experienced before.
Mandy, my oldest daughter, is getting married here in about 6 weeks. Maybe I'll go through all that again??? I kinda doubt it though. She's been married before and my bond with her is unlikely to change much being female to female. Ahhh the joys of getting older and watching my children grow up, sigh...
Another subject. I'm very frustrated this week. Mandy and James (her Dad, my husband) had a big blow up on Monday. Now they both are talking to me about how the other person is this or that, and should have done this or that. The weird thing is that I see both points AND they are both very similar. I think that's why they butt heads so much. Mandy wants her Dad to just call and say hi and quit studying her every action and word under a microscope and telling her everything she's doing wrong. James wants Mandy to not be so aggressive and opinionated and grouchy. I think they bring all that out in each other.
The big problem is that their conflicts reach everyone who touches them: me, Ricky & Rosie, Daniel (Mandy's soon-to-be husband). If those two don't get along, then it kinda ruins it for the rest of us. I'll just have to keep praying on this one.
Lord help us all!