Friday started out OK. On Thursday night I managed to sleep and was blissfully unaware of this cancer and its dastardly plan for over 7 hours. It was a great escape from thoughts and emotions. I had Friday off, save one meeting, but knew that one meeting was going to not work, so I handed it off to a co-worker. I took a leap into the unknown and told them. I hadn't thought I'd tell people; thought maybe I'd keep mum on this whole thing throughout. But after almost 24 hours of mulling it over, I've decided that is not a good idea. My natural instinct is to shut off, defend, be tough. I think that is part of my lesson in all this. I need to, and have needed to for years, learn how to let others support me and be there for me. I don't have to be strong 100% of the time. (Man that's tough to admit, gulp.)
I spent some time yesterday (Thursday) with a nurse at the hospital who had years of experience with cancer patients. She said one the best cathartic things I could do would be to write down my thoughts, feelings, experiences. Well, you know I love to write. So, maybe some of you will actually read this and walk through this with me. Maybe not though. I don't think my readership is that large. But I do know that the ones I know and count on as friends, do read it. You're the ones that really matter. So read on over these next few weeks. You're exactly who I want to share all this with. It is not the best writing style, it most certainly is not humorous, and it is pretty raw. You're seeing the real me here.
Those that I've told have been fabulous. "How can I help?" "What can I do?" "I'm here for you!" What does that mean? I don't know how to receive support. I don't know how to receive very well I'm afraid. I do know that I'm pretty scared. With the probability that we did catch this in the early stages, my treatment plan could be short and I'll soon be given the all clear. I'll then spend the next few years saying "I'm 2 years cancer-free!" "Three years..." and so on. But I'll be honest, there's always this cloud about the possibility of it coming back. That's where I'll really need to put my faith and trust in God. I've had several dear friends lost after a few years of being "clear" when it came back with a vengence. That scenario scares me.
I want to have faith. I want to receive support from you all. I just don't really know how at the moment. I do hope you will all be patient with me as I work through all this with God.
I appreciate my friends and family very much. I need you all.
P.S. For my first post on this click here