Learning to Lean

I don't even know what to say. My mind is all jumbled up with thousands of thoughts and emotions; I don't know where to start. I don't even know if I should start. But I'm going to. I've lived my life as a very independent person, and maybe this is God's test for me to learn how to lean on Him and others.

I learned on Thursday, August 20th, that I have the big C: cancer. Breast Cancer. It's time to get out my pink ribbon pin, pink Susan G. Komen scarf, pink Susan G Komen bag, the works. Fresh in my mind is my last two years of support for breast cancer with the 5K walk and also the 3-Day (volunteering, I most certainly didn't walk the 3 days). This cause has been important to me for several reasons: my mom (survivor), Linda Cobaugh (non-survivor), and Tina Teel (non-survivor). I know of several other women who have fought this battle and won. I too, will be a winner. Watch me.

But until I've won the battle with the cancer, I have to fight the emotional battle. Cancer is a scary word. My emotions have been all over the place. I dreaded my doctor appointment because two of them played phone tag with me all week and both wanted to see me in their offices. Not a good sign; so I was steeling myself for not-so-good news all week. However, when he finally sat me down and said the word, I wasn't sure what my response would be. Oh outwardly I was fine; calm, cool, collected, but my heart stopped, my stomach churned and I think I forgot to breathe. The first few sentences of the doctor's diagnoses were almost like he was in another room far away. It took a few moments for me to get my bearings and start to actually listen. I grabbed my phone, called James and put it on speaker so we both could hear what he was saying. By then my analytical mind took over and I was able to be rational, ask meaningful questions, and understand what he was saying. I did good I thought.

The next few hours were spent making more appointments, filling out pre-operative paperwork, getting oncologist names/numbers, x-rays, blood tests, EKG, and the like. We're going to hit this hard and fast. I'm going to kill this thing. I am a winner.

So, one moment I feel numb and the next I feel scared and ready to cry. I admit it. I feel like I need a good cry. I'm scared I'm going to do it in front of my kids, sister, or husband and they'll get all weird on me. But maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing. I don't know. I really don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to handle my loved ones reaction to my situation. I don't like attention. But maybe I need it? Again, I don't know.

But, I'm going to beat this. I have an ace up my sleeve: the healing power of God. I believe He's not done with me yet. He doesn't want me sickly or terminal in any way. I am a winner. Watch me survive.

Eat that cancer.


bongopants said...

Who's report will you believe? We will believe the report of the Lord.

Kat said...

Working on that.

Linda Schrott said...

You are an amazing woman! Omigosh, truly an inspiration.... We will join with you in regular prayer that you will make this journey as you have laid it out, destination: total healing. I love you Kathleen! You are incredible, and have a long lifetime ahead of you! x0x0 Linda

Michele said...

Oh Kat! My heart goes out to you! Having recently gone through this with Brenda Williams and with ongoing challenges myself, I empathize with you. Remember this: cancer is not a death sentence, it is simply a DISease you have the power to defeat it. I am in agreement with you that those rebellious cells will die! You will live and declare the glory of God! I am looking forward to reading more from you. We are part of the same Body and when one suffers, we all suffer. Standing with you. Michele Fideler

Kat said...

Thank you everyone for the encouraging words. They really do help to feel, hear, and see the rallying support of friends and loved ones.